Results/News

19th February

There's mair to Pipe Major Bell than blawing into a bag. Last Sunday in the Gents Winter League, after some gey heavy Pipe Band commitments the night afore, Castrum's world-renowned sparky, Rob Bell, hammered everybody in sight, scoring a net 65. A fine field of men, some would argue, relaxed in the warm summer, February sun and when the Coldstream boys get the Big Bulb on their backs, they are as happy as a kangaroo at the hoppings. In second place, so close but needing psychological help, was vice captain, Stuart Retallick, who scored a net 66. Keeping his end up was happy-as-as-a-zucchini, Colin Virtue, who is loving the limelight. And no wonder, he is heading both the UK-accredited Winter League as well as the Winter Stableford. Messrs Jerdan, Kerr and Ford would like to have a say in the matter but Vivacious Virtue has the destined look about him these days.

Colin Virtue's hardihood and ferroconcrete approach continues to stand him in good stead to be a wildcard for the Sue Ryder Cup team, as he carded a worthy net 64 last Sunday. There is no beginning to this young man's talent and he has now been renamed Consistent Virtue, though some would like him to assume another CV, deportation to the College Valley. The virtuous one is the man to beat however in this exciting comp, sponsored by Belhaven Breweries and listed as one of the 'seven wonders of Berwickshire'. In second place was 'Superman', Stuart Clark Kent, who delivered papers at 5am, had bashed banana and toast for breakfast, revamped his shop, varnished a door and steadfastly carded a net 66 (bin) by 11am (no worries). Ian Jerdan is always there or thereabouts, generally in the pub on a Friday night, and he came in third with a net 66. The leaderboard is at feverfew pitch and shaping up nicely, once the joiner finishes it, and there are joint-leaders, the anointed one CV with 153 shots (about the same as Sunderland FC have in a decade) and Callum Miller whose referring to CV as 'Callum this' and 'Callum that'. Seven shots behind is computer whizz-kid Stuart Retallick who calculates on his abacus that there is still time to eclipse the yins at the top. Others have high hopes too, like Willie Davis, but they had better get a move on.    

29th January 

It must be all the zinc in haggis that's currently causing the high scores in the Gents Winter League. Top players are 'zinking' putts by the hatful. Despite being in the middle of a lambing, limelight-hogging captain Jim Brown is taking the pressure in his stride and, while giving no gimmies or gimmers, scored 43 stableford points. In second place was Ian Jerdan, with 42 points and maybe having a spoonful less haggis than 'Jimbo'. In third place was Paul Smith, who maybe didn't have the neeps but still carded 40 stableford points, a good score for this world-renowned craftsman. Callum Miller has been knocked off the leader's perch and has phoned Sir Alex Ferguson, Clive Robison,Henry Wallis and Francis Mount for crisis advice, as the Red Devils begin their slow decline. Instead, the strutting peacock Colon Virtue, soon to be auditing for a Charlie Chaplin show, sits at the top with 37 points. Ian Jerdan, ready to put laxative in  Colon's ovaltine, is one point behind while Callum Miller is still in with a chance with 32 points.  

22nd January

With a golfing 'CV' as long as his wallet, young Colin Virtue won last Sunday's Belhaven Winter League leg with a net 61. Callum Miller, with plenty wind in his windmill, is having a scintillating winter, including getting a meccano set for Christmas, and he roared into second place, dust-and-all, with a net 63. In third place was ex-Border Reiver Derek Elliot who scored a net 65. Astoundingly, there were 11 twos. Things are really hotting up at the summit of the overall scoreboard, some eyes are shiftin' from 'Strictly' and 'Mrs Brown's Boy' to this golfing oasis and 'hotspot'. Miller can hardly sleep on his 'Pilla' as the excitement mounts. He has a staggering 120 points, close behind is Colin Virtue on 116 points while the 'Welsh Rarebit', Stuart Retallick, has high hopes still (well he is six feet) with 111 points. The rest of the field of around 25 golfers are behind in the 'pelaton' but a tail-wind, some early nights, bed-time stories and a hamburger diet could do the trick.   

15th January

As the debate over independence for Jockland rages on, the hardy Hirsel Gents' Winter League, sponsored this year by Belhaven Brewery, carried on as normal. It was icy last sunday, with brass monkeys not leaving their hot tubs, and most competitors were accompanied by an Emperor Penguin, especially the coffee-drinking Willie Davis, the most decorated man in Border Amateur fitba, who got some golfing tips from his waddling pal. Despite the cold temperatures, this stableford leg winner, Callum Miller, was undettered and notched 42 points, even though his swing was hampered by his Long Johns. In second place was another John, JR Spells, whose magic on the day earned him 41 stableford points. He was last seen signing autographs for passing-by Japanese. In third place was the silver fox, Alex Thomson, this time not carrying his Pipe Band Bass Drum, but some good-looking clubs and he scored 39 points.  

8th January

Full of turkey and trimmings, and all selection boxes finished, the hardy Gents Winter Leaguers played a 'Boxing Day Classic' and Bob Bolton starred over the 9 holes and scored a 28.5 net. He was as pleased as Pharoah getting planning permission for his first pyramid. In second place with 29.5 was John Slater, who got a lawnmower for Christmas to shave his hairy legs, and in third place was Stuart Galbraith with a net 30.5, recovering from his Disney Turns after watching Micky and Minnie Mouse at Christmas. In last Sundays leg, A.Mole dominated with a splendid 46 stableford points. Adjudicators confirmed that it was a mole that won and not a hedgehog. In second place, was Mark O'Kerr with 41 points (bin) while in third place was vice-captain and leek show specialist Stuart Retallick with 41 points too.

5th December

There is no greater sight, other than the annual migration of the gnus across the Serengeti pastures, than seeing the competitors of the Belhaven Winter League for the 'gentlemen' of the Hirsel easing themselves on to the tee. Last Sunday, as captain Jimbo Brown teed off, an emperor penguin was spotted in the bushes, not hiding from Jim's swing, but from the cold chill. It was rather 'parky'. Three new names appeared on the leaders' board this week. In first place with a net 61 was John Evans who said 'good evans' when he signed his scorecard. In second place was Philip Costello, who carded a net 64 and whose enthusiam for golf is infusible (get the dickshenary out boys!) and in third place with a net 65 was the capitano himself, Jim Brown, who is proving to be a useful, fealty-based general of the club. These boys are on a high after this leg of the Belhaven Winter League but mutterings in the 19th hole indicate that all could change next week. 

28th November

The Belhaven Brewery (hic!) Gents Winter League at the Hirsel attracted 31 entries last Sunday. With Christmas Selection Boxes up for grabs, the competition was fierce. With the wind battering away at bedroom windows, and wheely bins found as far away as deepest Doddington, there were some sleepy heids on the first tee. However, three entrants had slept like tops instead of bottoms and top of the heap was young Derek Elliot, as happy as a sow in clarts with The Toon upsetting the Red Devils (of course it was a penalty). Dekko scored 39 stableford points. In second place with 38 points (bin) was Colin Virtue, who is getting a Meccano set for his Christmas. The third spot belonged to Mr. Consistency, Ian Jerdan, who is in a good foseam of coal just now, scoring 38 stableford points (bin).      

21st November

The Belhaven Gents’ Winter League got underway last Sunday in glorious sunshine, and with wives and sweethearts away Christmas shopping, this turned out to a very happy day for the Hirsel gents. Given the age of some of the competitors, the winter league is so popular that it is now a World Heritage Site. Entrants pulled out all the stops and there was some good scores ruined by wayward shots, fellow-competitors yacking in the lug and the odd toilet moment. The leg winner was that rascal Ian Jerdan, who is so accurate he could hit a cow’s bum from 200 yards, with a tremendous score of net 62. In second place was Mark Kerr, leaving his indelible mark on the tournament with a net 63 (bin), and in third spot, giving hope to everybody that they might notch a good score one day, was dental technician Colin Virtue who also had a net 63. The rest of the field, once fuelled with bacon sarnies and J2O in the clubhouse, planned exacted revenge on the trio for next Sunday’s leg.